


Maybe, When You're Older, Part I

by ANaTHEMaDEVIsed



Series: Maybe, When You're Older [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, adult nursing relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:41:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23275699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ANaTHEMaDEVIsed/pseuds/ANaTHEMaDEVIsed
Summary: Kara's always been hungry.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Kara Danvers
Series: Maybe, When You're Older [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1674520
Comments: 3
Kudos: 57





	Maybe, When You're Older, Part I

**Author's Note:**

> A thing popped into my head tonight. This is how I excised it.
> 
> Disclaimer:
> 
> All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work belong to their respective owners. As this material is an interpretation of the original and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”  
So often, that is what the humans asked and Kara could find no adequate explanation of what she so fervently wished. Because humans asked, what do you want, but mostly that meant, what do you most desire, what do you wish? More than anything else, Kara would beg all the gods of humanity for an end to yearning. Human gods don’t listen, Kara knew, because they didn’t possess the power to grant humans their desires. Rao, had all the power of Kryptonian ingenuity, and with that power, Rao steered the course of Kara’s people until the very end.

Kara did not know the name of the human’s yellow sun god who’d granted such limitless power without Kara even asking. Even in the face of this unique gift, Kara hadn’t the faith necessary to believe there might ever come a day when she wasn’t beset by hunger. She was hollowed by desperation. Seven times a day, her foster mother whipped up a protein shake made of whole milk and protein powder, 10,000 calories in a glass to dull the edge of the ache. Breakfast, two during school with lunch in between, and one waiting when she walked through the door each afternoon, a glass with dinner, one before bed, and one when inevitably, she woke in terror in the middle of the night. That was barely treading water, if hunger was drowning, a lead weight shackled about her waist.

Eliza worried the first few months, when Kara lagged, tired, as Alex hit her first growth spurt and took to referring to her foster sister as munchkin. Thankfully, Mary Kent proved a fount of wisdom when it came to rearing a Kryptonian child. She explained how much a growing Kryptonian realistically should eat and 70,000 calories in shakes to supplement a typical American breakfast, lunch and dinner wasn’t going to suffice. After all the Kents lived on a working cattle and dairy farm. Clark Kent, Kal-El, had the benefit of all the sustenance that he had needed to grow. This information spurred Eliza and Jeremiah to reinvest in their home and the 70 acres of largely unused land. Danvers farm, started with goats and a coop for chickens in its earliest incarnation. Kara had more than her fill of milk, cheese, and fresh eggs. What soon followed was Eliza’s humble little garden. It evolved from a handful of perennials into acres of carefully planned and planted rows, including an orchard that could and did provide the family’s primary source of fresh fruits and vegetables. Soon after, an agreement with a neighbor, an artful exchange that would have been pricey were it not for Eliza’s bartering skills. A small portion of their resh milk, cheese, eggs along with a few odd jobs performed by the girls kept the family provisioned in all the meat they could possibly need.

Jeremiah built a thousand square foot brick storehouse and stocked the hand-built shelves until there was enough of Eliza’s canned preserves, dried meat, and refrigerated dairy to keep Kara’s appetite at bay for six months at a time. Food availability was never a concern. However, Kara couldn’t claim that she was never hungry. She didn’t starve, no. But she was ravenous every moment of every day. It became a matter of self-control to find some other worthy focus to distract from the empty gnawing at her center. She’d taken to pretending she was a penitent, fasting in supplication to Rao. In those moments, the ever-present yearning made her feel deliriously pious, as though her faith alone could resurrect her people from Krypton’s fiery ruin.

Kara drank countless gallons of water each day. Over time, the motion of swallowing becomes tiring even painful. But the water tempered the hunger and it was abundant in its availability. If Kara ate a jar of peanut butter in a sitting, there was now the absence of peanut butter with which to contend as well as the persistent hunger. When Kara drank, gulping breathlessly, a faucet pouring endlessly into her open mouth, she could almost feel the tentative border of full within reach. She stopped only when she grew bored of balancing awkwardly over, into the sink. Alex would walk in and watch transfixed at times, silent as Kara eventually drew away, wiping carelessly at droplets deposited on chin and lips, damp seeping into her collar. Silence from Alex never meant judgment, it was contemplation or more likely concern. Kara could never meet Alex’s eyes then, see the recognition, the worry. To Alex, Kara would ever be that small girl crying in the dark at night. Alex would wonder, even frozen in stasis how hungry Kara must have been before she reached Earth. After all, if Kara could dream, likewise if Kara could wake in that shroud of darkness, she could ache, couldn’t she? Couldn’t she be beset by the pain, the pang of the empty outside creeping in?. And then Alex would insist on a trip to town, Kara gripping Alex’s waist firm but gentle, always gentle, balanced on the back of that old mountain bike. It had been Alex’s favorite gift, her last birthday before Dad left. Alex would pedal them to Kara’s favorite ice cream place and splurge on as many scoops as whatever allowance she had at her disposal would afford. 

Eliza always scolded Alex when they returned home with the tell-tale evidence of their adventure deposited in chocolate, or strawberry, or mint chocolate chip splotches across Kara’s chest. “You don’t need to spoil her so, Alex. You have nothing to prove.”

“I have everything to prove.” Alex would say. And maybe Eliza understood. There was no way to convince thirteen year old Alex that five scoops of ice cream couldn’t make up for everything Kara had lost, couldn’t fill the empty, couldn’t quiet the hunger. Eliza understood that Alex was determined to try, perhaps for the rest of her life.

Alex’s senior year in high school, Kara no longer shrugged and amiably agreed to spontaneous trips for ice cream. She had acquired a peculiar habit of chewing her lower lip in Alex’s company. Kara spent much of her time with her nose buried in a book or laying on the roof of the barn all night gazing at the stars. At breakfast, or on the couch afterschool watching a movie, Alex often caught Kara staring wide-eyed, teeth buried in that plump lip. When exactly had Kara stopped blurting every thought that crossed her exceedingly active mind? Alex would heave an exasperated sigh and try to wrest something in the way of revelation.

“What, munchkin?”

“Don’t call me that.” Kara would grouse, shaken as though unexpectedly roused from slumber. Her eyes would dart to the television screen tracking the drama playing out as the Titanic sank for the five hundredth time. Alex would shrug, go to the kitchen and make up a protein shake with extra chocolate sauce accompanied by a plate of open-faced peanut butter slathered Ritz topped with banana slices. Kara would smile her thanks and eat dutifully, eyes occasionally drifting to the side of the couch where Alex sat.

When Alex started dating Maggie, Kara seemed to regress into furtively watching and chewing on that lower lip. It was so pronounced a change in behavior that even Maggie noticed.

“So, the lip-chewing ...”

“Yeah, she used to do that when we were kids. I don’t know what’s brought it on again.” Alex sighed, “I don’t think she’s been entirely forth-coming about her feelings.” Alex thought back to Kara’s response to the revelation that Alex was broadway chorus jazz hands GAY! And while Alex hadn’t exactly been expecting a Pride parade in response, Kara had been ambivalent at best.

“For you,” Maggie shook her head, “Yeah no, I don’t think she has.” Alex sat up, dislodging Maggie from her shoulder.

“That’s not funny, Mags.”

“That’s not a joke, Alex.” Maggie settled back into the pillows, giving Alex some space to breathe and fume for a solid ten count.

“You know I don’t like the suggestion that Kara and I are ...” Alex began, a notable tremble in her voice.

“I know I just watched your sister stare at your chest and chew on her lower lip all night like she was having a waking wet dream.” Maggie interrupted. “I imagine to her, given how active we were this afternoon, this apartment smells like …” Alex held up her hand and Maggie let the sentence hang. They sat in silence for a moment, and another. Alex took a deep breath.

“She started doing that after I …” Alex gestured at her chest and grinned wryly, “I went through a growth spurt.” Maggie smirked. Alex shook her head in wonder, “She was so awkward around me for months. I’d make a snack after school and put on a movie like always and she’d sit on the other end of the couch and just stare. If I asked her what was wrong, she’d mumble some barely coherent excuse about being hungry or having homework.”

“Was she like that around your Mom?”

“Seriously Sawyer, there is a line.” Alex’s expression turned grim and Maggie held up her hands.

“Just hold on, that’s not what I meant.” Maggie watched and when Alex seemed calm, willing to listen, “So, Kryptonians aren’t nursed. They’re grown in incubators, a biological creche that pops most of them out in time for preschool. Superman is the exception to that rule.”

“How do you …” Alex began then paused thinking about what Maggie was implying.

“Kara’s been through a lot of trauma, most of it when she was pretty young. I would imagine that might impact how she forms attachments, how secure those attachments are, and how she seeks comfort from them.” Maggie spoke contemplatively. “With your Mom working, after your Dad …” Maggie paused watching Alex flinch at the mention of Jeremiah Danvers. “Kara spent most of her time around you. You were her primary caregiver, for all intents and purposes.” Alex appeared ready to protest.

“Have you ever just asked her …” Maggie hedged.

“Countless times.” Alex rolled her eyes. “I just blurted, hey Kara has our relationship become creepily symbiotic in the handful of ways that makes our codependence pale in comparison?” Maggie rolled her eyes at the tone. Alex shook her head snickering with no small amount of sarcasm, “Do you imagine she would just come out and say it if I did ask?” Alex’s mouth worked a moment as she searched for the words. She thought back to Kara, munchkin sized, burrowing under Alex’s arms after a bad dream. “She needs me, yes. But not ….” Alex clasped her hands together as though holding in a secret, “Not like that.”

“You know what I thought the first time I truly saw your sister, not supergirl and not that questionable cover identity she’s attached to those fake glasses?.” Maggie pursed her lips, thoughtful. “I thought I was looking into the eyes of someone consumed by hunger.”

“She’s always had enough, Mags.” Alex began, but unable to fully deny the truth. While there was no benign negligence, necessarily, it had just been impossible to do very much more than survive for any of them, least of all Kara.

“Did you ever think that maybe there’s some other void she’s trying to fill, something that has very little to do with that Kryptonian appetite? What’s really sustaining her, Al?” Alex shook her head, as though the answer to that question could elude her when in fact it was quite plain. 

“I’ve watched her stare at you every day like the only thing in the universe that could satiate her.”

“I …” Alex shrugged, tears springing to her eyes. “I am.”

For a while, after Maggie, Kara stopped chewing her lip. And when Kelly came into Alex’s life, Kara drew away. Alex felt that absence and did all she could to ignore it. It was easier to bury what she knew, easy until it is catastrophically exhumed.

“We were so lucky, Kara, when you came to us.” Alex began. Kara scoffed hovering, the open window at her back a passive threat. She would run and Alex would never catch her. But Alex, persisted, resolute - Kara would not run and Alex would save her. “You were so terrified that day when we got you, and you needed us so much. It just never crossed Mom’s mind, that maybe you needed more. Had it occurred to any of us …”

“Maybe I wouldn’t be broken?” Kara spat. It wasn’t derision. Though the contempt on Kara’s face seemed to suggest otherwise. But even in the raw energy of the moment, Alex could see. Red Kryptonite brought truth to light. In Kara’s crimson-stained irises and veins that stood in stark relief beneath pale skin, shone the light of truth. 

“You’re not broken, Kara.” Alex swallowed against the tears, “Even if we had known, the problem would remain that you were never Mom’s.” Alex edged closer to the open window where Kara stood seething, defiant. “You were always mine, munchkin.” Kara’s resolve seemed to crumble.

“Don’t call me that.” she whispered, her voice so small now. It did not thunder as it had even a breath before. Shuffling back, a hair’s breadth from escape, Kara considered the open window. Alex held her breath, even as her heart thundered in her chest. She reached out, placating, patient.

“Kara, come here to me.” Drawing closer, fingertips barely brushing the soft skin on the back of Kara’s hands. Alex coaxed. Kara shuddered, half-stepped, and collapsed forward into Alex’s embrace. She buried her face in the warm juncture between shoulder and neck, clinging tight enough for the soothing shush on Alex’s lips to become an explosive breath.

“About a year after you came to us, after Dad …” Alex took a breath, easing herself over the pain of that memory and gentled Kara into moving away from the window, towards the couch. “Mom took me shopping for my first bra and gave that wonderfully scientific talk in the car about human reproduction, you remember?” Kara nodded, allowing herself to be cradled, curled partly on Alex’s lap. “You were as fascinated as you were horrified, the expression on your face as you listened. And Mom explained that reproduction can be quite different depending on species and for you, as a Kryptonian, that might feel a bit difficult to reconcile with the impressions you’d initially formulated about us.” Kara nodded, her head now snuggled against Alex’s chest, an angle from which Alex could look down into Kara’s red-rimmed eyes. With Kara secure in her arms, Alex reached up to run her knuckles against one of Kara’s dimpled cheeks.

“If I had known that this was what you needed, I swear I would have given it to you then.” Alex spoke softly, watching Kara as Kara followed the progression of deft fingers. Alex unbuttoned her shirt, careful not to disturb Kara’s position or her focus, rapt as the flaps parted to reveal Alex’s very practical work bra. Unconsciously chewing on her bottom lip, Kara stared. 

“I know you've felt so empty, so hungry, and I know what you’ve needed. It's okay, Kara.” Alex undid the front clasp of her bra, and smiled at the barely restrained inward gasp as the cups slipped off of Alex’s chest. Kara hesitated not more than a moment. She glanced up to meet Alex’s gaze in inquiry. Hoping. Alex’s simple nod in assent was enough. Kara leaned in, and the moment her lips wrapped around Alex’s nipple her eye’s closed in simultaneous relief. She latched and fell into the rhythm of suckling fairly immediately.

“That’s my sweet girl.” Alex murmured and stroked Kara’s hair. Kara settled despite the chaotic energy of the red kryptonite. It remained a heated pulse radiating from Kara’s skin. There would be time soon enough to convince Kara under the UV lamps at the DEO. A few hours and the poison would be expelled, but nothing would ever be the same. Kara nestled in and Alex adjusted to accommodate the weight.


End file.
